The library

Narcissistic Abuse is absolutely soul-destroying and one of the most confusing relationships ever. One minute you can be their everything and then the next literally their nothing, and the saddest part of it all is that you may not even know that what you are actually experiencing, as your ‘normal’, is Domestic Abuse, and it is this, that has driven my mission for change

I’m not here to talk down any of my relationships, they have all brought me to where I am today, and most of all to YOU, and for that I can only be grateful, but what I do want so desperately to do, is to help you recognise that what you may be experiencing is unhealthy and soul-destroying, and those feelings of emptiness, unworthiness, powerlessness, CAN all be flipped to the positive. ‘I’m here for you!’

No more trying to share your thoughts, to only have them ignored

No more giving your heart and soul, for it only to be destroyed

No more setting boundaries to only have then smashed to smithereens

No more trying to fix people that have absolutely no idea they’re even broken

No more being screamed and shouted at leaving you feeling worthless

No more being bullied to do things you don’t want to do

No more wasted tears on someone who doesn’t even deserve to see your smile

No more pretending everything is fine when the truth is you are really hurting inside

No more, no more, no more!

If I was to ask you today ‘how are you feeling, like really feeling?’ what would you say…?

Happy or sad?
Feeling loved or lost?
Safe or afraid?
Heard or ignored?
Supported or pushed?
Full of life or completely empty?
Comforted or alone?
Clear of thought or totally confused?

You may not even know how you really feel any more, it’s all become just one confusing mess. The word that I can only use is ‘numb’, and it’s no surprise really. You’ve spent so much of your time trying to keep the peace at home, changing yourself in order to please them, calm them, keep them happy, so much that you are no longer recognisable, your identify has gone. Then, when you finally find the courage to leave, in hope to feel better, you find yourself feeling worse, so much worse. You feel lost. It’s heart-breaking, it’s frightening, but I want you to know it’s normal and ok and how important it is that we get to feel and honour these emotions, as painful as they are. You’ve been ignoring your thoughts, feelings and emotions for so long, and suddenly, now that ‘they’ are not there to consume your energy and falsely fill all of those voids, you feel lost and even more alone, and it’s a painful painful reality, but ‘I am here for you’

‘Red Flags’ – what are they, and what should I do about them?

RED FLAGS in a relationship shouldn’t be ignored. If your intuition is trying to tell you that something isn’t right, then it’s probably because it isn’t.

If a RED FLAG was flying at the beach telling us not to go in the water, would we go in? Of course not, we know it means DANGER, so why do we so easily choose to ignore the RED FLAGS in our relationships, to the detriment of our well-being, life and soul?

The RED FLAGS are warning signs, things that YOU don’t feel comfortable with, and everyone’s flags will be different, but if something doesn’t feel right to you, please don’t dismiss or ignore those feelings, they are happening for a reason – it’s YOUR internal protective GPS system kicking in.

What RED FLAGS might you have been ignoring or pushing aside?

It can be so difficult for you, when it’s you in the situation, to see things for what they really are, our minds like to play such tricks on us, focusing on the good, encouraging us to ignore the ‘bad’, to only lead us further into vulnerable, dangerous situations.

If you heard your friend saying any of the below statements to you today, would the RED FLAGS be flying high? What would you say to them?

“I feel so confused, it feels like I’m living with Jekyll and Hyde, I literally don’t know where I am with them anymore”

“I feel terrified, they used my ‘find my iPhone’ app to monitor my whereabouts and now I’m frightened to go there again”

“I feel so anxious, they just won’t leave me alone, calling and calling and calling, interrupting my day, until I had no choice but to eventually pick up”

‘I feel so controlled, they’ve even started to choose and buy everything I wear”

“I feel so frightened when they scream and shout and swear at me. I have no choice but to give in and conform, I don’t feel respected at all”

“I feel so sad, they literally do not have any empathy, care or concern for how I am feeling, I can be sobbing on the floor in front of them, to only be dismissed for what they see as more important things”

“I feel worthless, because of their constant need and desire to put me down and criticise me, leaving me questioning my own self-worth”

“I feel isolated, because they purposely seem to have pulled me away from the people that matter most to me”

“I feel so empty, I feel they’ve taken everything from me, physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually. I feel so lost”

“I feel so Indecisive, they’ve taken control of so many things around me that I no longer feel confident or trusted to make my own decisions”

“I feel terrified, because they are constantly putting the mental and physical health and well-being of me and the Children at risk when they’re in one of their monster-like rages”

“I feel so scared, when they threaten their life with me. Everything feels so out of control”

“I feel so fearful, because I know I don’t want to be in this situation anymore, but just can’t see a way out or through”

“I feel so lost, so much of my life has become about them. I have no idea who I am anymore”

“I feel so frightened, I don’t have any money to get what I need for the Children, I’ve been completely cut off”

None of these statements are statements that would be shared by a person in a healthy, loving, balanced relationship, so if any of these have resonated with you, I fear that what you may be experiencing in your relationship is very sadly abuse.

A healthy partner would not:

• want to control and manipulate you
• disrespect you and consider themself superior to you
• try to excuse their abuse as their deep meaning love for you
• change their behaviour towards you when in or out of the home
• feel their actions and behaviours were justified
• deny and minimise their abuse
• treat you like a possession
• overstep your boundaries
• have one rule for them and one rule for you
• want to make you feel stupid
• have the need for constant reassurance
• be incapable of apologising
• do anything but love, appreciate and respect you, for being you

Click here to download your free ‘What are my RED FLAGS, and what am I ignoring?’ journaling worksheet

• Be-little you or put your down?
• Blame you for the abuse or arguments?
• Deny that abuse is happening, or downplay it?
• Isolate you from your family or friends?
• Stop you going to work or college?
• Make unreasonable demands for your attention?
• Accuse you of flirting or having affairs?
• Tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, and what to think?
• Control your money, or not give you enough to buy food or other essential things?
• Monitor your social profiles, share photos or videos of you without your consent or use GPS locators to know where you are?

• Threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Destroy things that belong to you?
• Stand over you, invade your personal space?
• Threaten to kill themselves or the Children?
• Read your emails, texts or letters?
• Harass or follow you?

• Slap, hit or punch you?
• Push or shove you?
• Bite or kick you?
• Burn you?
• Choke you or hold you down?
• Throw things?

• Touch you in a way that you do not want to be touched?
• Make unwanted sexual demands?
• Hurt you during sex?
• Pressure you to have unsafe sex – for example not using a condom?
• Pressure you to have sex?

• use controlling, threatening and degrading behaviour that restricts your freedom?
• Use or misuse money to limit and control what you can and can’t do?
• Use your credit cards without permission?
• Put contracts in your name, leaving the commitments and obligations with you?
• Leave you without money for the basic essentials such as food and clothing?
• Restrict your access to money and even to your own bank account?
• Threaten to withdraw their child maintenance support